This morning I awoke from a most pleasant dream. It had all seemed so real. I was with my husband who passed away last summer. I had such pure, sweet emotions towards him. We had a lovely time together. What we were doing or where we were did not matter and it is all a fog, but only the good feelings were going on between us. I am afraid that for the last couple of years together his mental illness and anger and becoming old(er) ruined things to such a degree that I found it necessary to take him at his word when he told me to leave and I finally packed up and left. He had threatened to leave me prior to that, and he did go on an extended trip to England to search for his birth mother (as he was given up to an orphanage as an infant). He told me that as long as he was young and healthy and busy doing things he enjoyed and earning degrees, running a business, married to his first wife, and helping to raise their children, he was happy. It was only later when his mental illness (manic depression or bipolar disorder) became progressively worse and his sense of purpose in life was greatly lessened by his children growing up and leaving home and his first wife, becoming ill with multiple sclerosis and becoming bad tempered that he felt his downhill progression. I don't want to write a book here about why we got married, but there were many good reasons and we had many happy times together.
Back to my dream. It was so lovely to have those happy feelings back again, if only while sleeping. I think dreams play a part in our healing and grieving process. I have not experienced deep sadness over Michael's death, because the best of his life was over and he was aging and becoming physically ill as well as mentally ill. Life had not been pleasant for him for many years and he had courageously tried to make the best of his life and do things for others, despite his own pain. I will always admire his great courage and generosity of spirit. The hard work he did on behalf of others. His crankiness fades in my memory in remembrance of all the good he accomplished.
I only hope that my loved ones will remember me the same way when I leave this world.